These 'Ships Are Sinking...Thank God.

Against all my instincts as well as Jackie's warnings, I've only recently entered the realm of writing/reading fanfiction online. Now I can kind of see why I felt trepidation and Jackie, outright fear and anger.
I've seen some stuff I don't understand, and some stuff that kind of make me angry or confused, (Erik/Meg shippers,) but up until now I've been able to stomach it all with good grace.
Until now.
Undoubtedly in my mind, the sickest and most wretched of fanfic writers are the Harry Potter fans. Just look at this list of combinations. I haven't read past book 3, and parts of book 4, seen only the first movie, and even then it was a downloaded result of someone smuggling their camcorder into the theatre. Even so, I understand most of these pairings and a few of them just made me gag out of sheer horror. (Namely, Lucius/Hermione and Harry/Lily or Lucius/Draco.) So pale freaky looking old men with young girls because they want to mold their minds, and then that's plain incest, respectively. There's taking a story and playing with it to amuse yourself, but there comes a point where you're crossing boundaries into the dark realms of the illegal. I know it's all in your head, but when you post it online and a surprising amount of people back you up with so-called 'evidence' for your spin-off, I get a lil' bit worried that your mum's been over-medicating you again, my dears. Now sometimes it's funny to think these things that you know EVERYONE is thinking at some point (Snape/Draco, *snerk*,) but you never, ever, say them aloud!
God, what IS is with Lucius? He's being paired (read: whored out) with every minor character in the series! Neville, Percy, Bill...and what is with Lily coming back from the dead to hit on characters like Ginny? Even I know this is wrong people! I, who know next to NOTHING of the series, know that the mental images connected with a Harry/Hagrid 'ship are plain disturbing!
Now the most disturbing 'ship I've seen on that entire list has to be the Lucius/Harry pairing otherwise entitled 'Power and Pride' (a title which conjured up images of a bad bodice-buster novel with a strong-willed redhead heroine being seduced by a dark broadchested warlord with a scarred past.) Now it's not necessarily the entire thread revolving around this 'ship--although God knows this one has at least a few years of therapy in its aftermath--that got my goat, so to speak; it's more the people who are initiating and supporting it. Now I don't necessarily want to go after any ONE person in particular, but dear God I can't help it in this case. Note the instigator, one Rhysenn. With every answer I got regarding this entire debacle I found about 5 new questions, and in search for the answers I stumbled across his LiveJournal.
Oh. Holy. Fuck.
The poor guy has a boyfriend who looks like a Kenny G figure who's fallen on hard times. Or maybe a Benjamin Bratt who lost his scissors and cannot cut his hair, no matter how much he wants to. (The profile shots aren't bad, he looks almost like Sandra Bullock with curly hair.) But back to Rhysenn. He seems to have a penchant for supporting any and all disturbing slashy-type fics, most of which no doubt came out of his own head. While I applaud the imaginativity (is that a real word?) I have to question any and all evidence behind these kinds of claims. Granted, it's called SUB-text for a reason, (sub meaning 'under,') but I just can't help feeling it's all a rather shaky theory about Lucius and Harry. I haven't seen the trailers or movies and I don't spend much time reading anything into whatever Dan Radcliffe says or how he delivers his lines. However, our 30-something friend Rhysenn has deemed it fit for him to find Dan's seemingly chaste "Don't worry--I will be," hotter than a whore in hell. And others have found enough evidence in the Chamber of Secrets trailer to agree with him on this point.
'zed' said: "...there should be a rule banning 12 year old wizards from sounding so sexy. Harry's "Don't worry. I will be." was 100% non-canon, and that boy deserved to be spanked for using that tone on an adult - especially Lucius Malfoy." I know I may be flogging a dead horse here, but please note that you may be the first human EVER to use the words "12-year old wizard," "sexy," and "spanked" in the same train of thought. I just love how this blurs the line between reality and fantasy. Are we talking about Dan Radcliffe or Harry Potter? Either way it's sick and yet no one seems to care who it is exactly that they're lusting after and whetehr or not they actually exist outside of the dark recesses of their minds.
Rhysenn responded with an enthusiastic: "Ever since Dan's voice broke, he's got this extremely sexy low voice that makes *me* melt. Perhaps I'm transferring my cradle-snatcher instincts onto Lucius instead."
No shit, Sherlock.
The rest of it all was various horndogs commenting on the final scene in the trailer being chock-full of sexual tension and innuendo. I haven't seen it, but in my persistant, willfull naivete, I'm hoping, for all our sakes, that the innuendo was the witty/pithy kind people use in a non-sexual way during showdowns/gunfights/ninja-standoffs etc in the manner of James Bond or similar, and that the tension was the strain that can be expected in a scene of supressed violence between two arch-foes. Just because they're fighting doesn't mean they secretly love each other. Sometimes two people who hate each other...just plain HATE each other. No over-compensation or cover-ups...they just out-and-out hate each other. Rhysenn comments on how he wrote a Lucius/Harry fic subtitled 'Lucius Stealing His Son's Boyfriend" or something similar.
Now I don't want to go pissing off the male gay community, but ever consider that it's not all about you? I mean, somehow you find reason enough to take a freakin' CHILDREN'S BOOK and turn it into your own transgendered, pedophilic sausagefest because of so-called 'subtext' and 'implications' in the movie trailers. You must be the next generation of the people who played records backwards and heard messages from Satan/the dead/John Lennon/aliens.
Rhysenn even said it himself: "...surprisingly, people were... morbidly intrigued..."
Good God, people have even mentioned an all-male Malfoy threesome with Harry.
There are folks who take the time to write this down so they can share it with others who are interested?
Due to all this horror and extreme empathy I have felt on the part of little Danny Radcliffe, who has become an unwitting sex-object to men in their thirties, I hereby declare the formation of:

The Pity for Dan Radcliffe Club!

Using avatarity.com and my own pitiful skills with my Paint program, I have managed to make what I consider somewhat humourous and supportive icons for MSN convo pictures. I'll send some to you if you comment and ask for them. :)

Don't 'ship the L/H! Join me for the March on Washington to formally declare our rights to pity poor little Danny R, who shall henceforth only be referred to with the word "poor" in front of his name.

Fanfiction that verges on the illegal and wrong (not a good thing, IMHO,) ------> GUNNED DOWN!



Update a few minutes after posting: Against all my gut instincts, I delved deeper into Rhysenn's profile on LJ, hoping to discover the root of the problems here. And I discovered that I had made a grevious assumption based on the pictures on the LJ.
Rhysenn if a woman.
My sincere apologies to anyone offended by my taking them for a homosexual man. You might want to change your pictures there or put a disclaimer at the top of the page.
I still think L/H is eerily creepy.
Am I close-minded? Maybe. But I WAS willing to accept you as a gay dude. I figure that since it's the thought that counts, karmically-speaking, I'm off the hook, as it were, and nothing you can say or do will condemn me to re-incarnation as a tapeworm in Mary-Kate Olsen's intestines. (Feeeeeeed Meeeeeee!)