"It Takes Two...Cranes to Haul Kirstie Alley Off to Fat Camp"

Started as an innocent convo, turned into Em's rant about the 80's and THE Fat Actress of all time. --Note that I am not making fun of fat people in general. I'm no string-bean myself. But GOD!--(read on)

Jackie says:
Haha Dead Pools!
Em says:
So who's gunna die this year?
Jackie says:
Ummm dibs on....oh what's her name.
Em says:
Kirstie Alley? ("I had a great time getting fat..." Actual-honest-to-God-quote-out-of-Alley's-mouth [in between bites of a Crunchie bar])
Jackie says:
she's, uh, really old.
Em says:
*points out from screen* YOU'RE CHUBBY TOO! FETUCCHINE! I actually hate that commercial.
Jackie says:
You saw it?!
Em says:
I've only seen it once…but OMFG!
Jackie says:
OH MY GOD I KNOW!
Em says:
FUCK OFF BIOTCH!
Jackie says:
I KNOW!
Jackie says:
I hope she dies under the knife. And someone on Extreme Makeover.
Em says:
Yeah. The Swan: Celebrity Edition --- This week Kirstie Alley LOSES and DIES in the same episode!
Jackie says:
Hee hee I know. Or I hope she looses weight, but then gains it all back
Em says:
Hee...She was all skinny in the movie with the Olsen twins. What was it called? She was the uppity social worker, rebel with a cause who got it on with Steve Guttenberg?
Jackie says:
Uhhhh..."It Takes Two"
Em says:
…All svelte and like "look at me I have a romantic yet comedic horseback ride with Steve Guttenberg!" (Audience: ew.) And then she ends up having this huge ass (no pun intended) food fight at the summer camp Steve owns because he’s a rich bitch. OMG now I get the irony of it all! She gets her head pushed into mac and cheese and has butter all over her face in that scene! *hunts for pictures* All I can find is this poster. Kirstie Alley in black on the right. Vaguely funny because A) because black is so slimming and B) because she's on top of the world's biggest wedding cake. EVER.
Jackie says:
Yesh
Em says:
Omfg...top of the list look!
Glad to know she's accepted herself the way is and evermore shall be. Oh wait...SHE'S CHUBBY TOO! Does the show feature her screaming "FETUCCHINE!"?
Jackie says:
No.
Em says:
OMG she plays HERSELF! What is it, reality tv show?
Jackie says:
Yeah.
Em says:
The only way I'd watch that was if it were a sitcom, because then it would be even sadder if she wasn’t playing herself per se, but, y’know, she totally WAS.
Fat Actress is called a 'comedy' but why do I get the feeling it'll have one on one interviews with KA while she cries and dabs at her puffy face with a Kleenex while sad piano music plays in the background and she talks about how all her friends left?
Jackie says:
Mmhm. …And her Olsen twins movie? Parent Trap ripofffffff!
Em says:
I know…"parent trap of the 90's" is what one person called it. Except they actually found lookalikes in the Olseons instead of giving us Lindsay Lohan/ Hayley Mills x 2 and with a body double’s back.
Jackie says:
Hee hee.
Em says:
Dammit I wish I could find pictures of Kirstie Alley with her face in the buffet in that movie. Just to, you know, put on my desktop or something. Frame it maybe. Just to remind myself that she has plotted her own ruin. Creepy foreshadowing in that one movie alone. Found a line from the movie spoken by KA that just about made me pee my pants:
[Kirstie Alley’s Caracter, whom we shall simply refer to as Kirstie, or KA, is speaking of Steve Guttenberg’s character, her love interest, the millionaire with a heart of gold (literally!):] "Guys like him like girls with food names like Cookie or Muffin or Candy, not girls like me. " My Thoughts: Well we all know Kirstie LOVES things with food names like Cookie, or Cupcake or Candy...or FETUCCHINI!
Jackie says:
Hee. Oh here: actresses trying to lose weight ---> gunned down.."Yes, ok, I understand that we should be promoting a "healthy image" but dude, you're just another lardy American!"
Em says:
Oh God it gets worse:
(spoken while KA is on a horse)
KA: I can't believe you talked me into this
Olsen 1 or Olsen 2: You're too tense. Relax
KA: Oh, I've got a thousand pounds of wild animal under my butt and she says relax!
Jackie says:
hee!
Em says:
*dies in spasms*
Jackie says:
Thousand pounds IN your butt!
Em says:
*coughs* *hack* *gag* She is predicting her own doom at the hands of the fettuchini! This entire MOVIE is a conspiracy theory of foreshadowing which proves that movie execs have been injecting collagen implants all over KA's body for the last 10 years, slowly...!
*******
Steve Guttenberg: I don't know what's more bruised. My butt or my ego (Me: considering KA is your love interest, it's probably your butt AND your ego.)
*******
KA: You go on in, and I'll wait right here.
Olsen 1 or 2: DIANE BURROWS! YOU GET YOUR BUTT UP HERE THIS INSTANT!
KA: Okay, Okay.
My Thoughts: *an hour later* Olsen 1 or 2: I MEAN NOW!
KA: *dragging her butt* ugh...can't...stairs...*collapses* (And we thought it was only Rita McNeil who had this problem. No joke, my sister's friend lives in Cape Breton and once saw her Royal McNeilness STUCK in a snow back while her friends fluttered about helplessly and her tiny little pooch yapped at her. I only wish they'd had a camera. But they did turn the car around and drive by a second time just to make sure it really was the Rita. And she gave them a dirty look. :D)
Jackie says:
Hee hee.
Em says:
Okay wtf is up with the ending of this movie?

KA: Sorry to ruin your wedding. I just didn't want the wrong girl going down the aisle. I mean the wrong flower girl.
Stevie G: I think you had it right the first time. (Acts all coy like he totally knew the score.)
Jackie says:
*gag*
Em says:
So Steve Guttenberg was all prepared to marry the bitch from hell for no apparent reason—(who existed in this movie for other than providing a vent for physical comedy to be unleashed upon the token *bad guy/girl* as well as being a human prop with which to give this film MORE romantic angst and to make this movie drag on and on forever amen)—KNOWING full well it would seem that he loves KA. So KA and Olsen 1 or 2 (mistaken identity provides a subplot for the KA/Stevie G love story,) have to show up and save the day?
Jackie says:
Dumbass.
Em says:
And suddenly, he's all cocky and suave about how he knew he loved her all along? I repeat WTF?
I Quote:
Steve Guttenberg: You know the feeling when it's the bottom of the ninth, the bases are loaded, and you know the next one's coming right down the middle... and then... you just connect... and for an instant, you know that it's going over the fence and out of the park... and further than you could ever imagine?
Butler: Yeah, that's a great feeling.
Stevie G: Yeah. [pauses, closes wedding ring box] Clarisse [wicked bitch plot-point] hates baseball. (This is code for, I met a really amazing woman but I’m going to marry this other one because she makes me feel the exact opposite of everything good and I feel obligated for some reason…) OMG! So many examples of wtf-ness here…Oh. Oh God.
Jackie says:
What now?
Em says:
Says here they offered KA's role to the chick who played Aunt Becky on Full House, with the Olsen’s as well.
Jackie says:
Oh GOD! Why are you doing this to yourself?!
Em says:
I need to know and dissect the truth here. It’s just so sick…they wanted her to play Diane, (KA), Bob Saget to play Stevie G's role, and John Stamos to make an appearance as the creepy kid-collector named Butkis who practically molests the Olsens. It's like slash fiction gone wrong on Full House. Where 'Aunt' Becky is suddenly the girl's new Mommy and Daddy is kicking Uncle Jesse’s ass because Uncle Jesse just groped Michelle and put her to work in his sweatshop. GOD, WHY!?!??
Jackie says:
Hee! I never watched Full House.
Em says:
It was like a hallmark of the 80s and early 90's. It was ‘Saved By the Bell’ for the under-10 crowd. My first kind of soap opera, with drama and teen angst and shit.
Jackie says:
I know Full House. I know what it was and saw a few eps, but just didn't really bother
Em says:
We (the kids who watched Square 1 TV --it's gone boohoo!) were fully into the shows like Full House. And my Mom used to let us watch Golden Girls with her and we'd all feel grown-up because on days we stayed home from pre-school or kindergarten we would get to watch an adult drama revolving around middle-aged housemates and their respective love lives (or the lack thereof.) But Bea Arthur...ew. I seriously think my five year old self thought she was a man most of the time. A man in a yellow-satin housecoat or puffy-sleeved velvet caftan.
Jackie says:
Haha.
Em says:
Full House ran from 87-95. I think they put out a series of books based on Full House. I read one, from Stephanie’s point of view, about her crush being stolen by her best friend on the tennis team for the doubles matches and she got all pissed, trained her little heart out and went out to whoop their asses on the court but then I forget how it ended. Reminded me of every Babysitter’s Club, Baby Sitter’s Little Sister and Sweet Valley Twins/Jr. High/High/University book I’d ever read. OMG WTF they now have a series based entirely on Elizabeth's solo trek to London? -_-' is nothing sacred to you, people? What next? Kristy gives up babysitting nad goes to NYC to sell herself in the cabarets?
Who else loved Todd and couldn't care less about Tia as a character? *waves hand* ME! Oh, oh! Me! The authors of my childhood, Judy Blume, Francine Pascal, and Anne M. Martin. Only problem was Martin's inability to think of good titles. I remember being less-than-impressed with BSC # 10: "Logan Likes Mary Anne!" and BSC # 13: "Good-bye Stacey, Good-bye." BSC # 99: "Stacey's Broken Heart," and many more in a similar fashion. Way to give away the plot, dipshit.
Ahh the 80's and early 90's...overdone in pastels, wearing cool acid wash jeans, side pony tails with neon scrunchies and high tops. And tying their jacket/sweaters/windbreakers around their waists. Flannel, lots of plaid and inexplicable flannel. This must’ve been the early 90’s fashion because I was born in 1987 and I remember all this when it was cool. 'Grunge' is the word…
So ‘It Takes Two’ came out in 1995, the year they stopped Full House. I guess if they'd gotten the cast to play all the roles in the movie they couldn't continue the TV show because people would get confused and wonder why Jesse and Becky were pretending nothing had happened between her and Danny and why weren’t the girls afraid of Uncle Jesse?
Jackie says:
I know. Hee
Em says:
Aww the chick who played DJ ended up marrying one of the Bure brothers. Not Pavel.
Pavel was the Dan Cloutier of his day. Everyone had the hots for Pavel. At least my sister did, I think, and all my older female cousins. I was too young to understand.
Jackie says:
Hee.
Em says:
Damn she’s married the one named Valeri. *snerk* Her hubby's name is Valeri...
Jackie says:
Oh dear God.
Em says:
Who was also a hockey player. For the Calgary flames though. (Note: Calgary as a city sucks ass.) Haha ‘divides her time between Calgary and LA’....suckeeeeer! She has 3 kids and they've all got preposterous Russian sounding names.
Jackie says:
Hee hee.
Em says:
Natasha Valerievna, Lev Valerievich , and Maksim Valerievich…oh no her child’s name is Maxim. Playground murder, here we come…
Jackie says:
Oh God hee
Em says:
Aww now Valeri plays for the Dallas Stars. Do they even have ice in Dallas?
Jackie says:
Yes, inside.
Em says:
Oh! GoD! CreePy!
"Candace was introduced to her husband Valeri Bure by former "Full House" co-star Dave Coulier(Uncle Joey). After their marriage, Valeri sent Coulier an autographed hockey stick with the message, "Dear Dave, thank you for Candace."
The guy who played Uncle Joey…How creepy is that? It's like "You belonged to Joey and then Joey gave you to me and you're mine now, so thank you Joey!" It’s like almost-incestuous swingers.
Jackie says:
Eep.
Em says:
Ewewew need to post this sometime all about KA and the fucked up cast of Full House and all things (mostly books) 80's *makes mental note*


I know I was all over the map on this one, but once I delved back into my childhood I just couldn't seem to stop! Square 1 TV taught me my first math problems (which turned out to make me barely pass math last year) and Sweet Valley and the BSC taught me how to read my first novels, which pretty much started me on my torrid love-affair with the written word.