Brought to You By the Low-Budget Production Co.

**NOTE: this post is going to be huge, so if you haven't got a lot of time on your hands, come back later, or return to GDATIG once we've got a shorter post to give you. Also full of swearing and bathroom/bodily-function humour. What can I say, it's what I do best. But if such things offend you or will change your otherwise good opinion of me, leave this site now and never come back.


The Phantom of The Opera

(re-written for a cast of two ambiguously-gendered actors, an alien, and a tech-guy named Johnny) By Em and Onnada

Please note that the lines and directions marked with the number 2 will be the females roles, while the ones marked with a 1 are all the male roles. However, this was written by and for the amusement of two girls, so the roles really aren’t too gender-specific. This was written in snatches over a few months in early 2003 by yours truly (Em) and Onnada, beginning at a Camp Retreat and stretching over the next little while through e-mail correspondence. Written out first entirely by hand in my journal, the original copy may have some changes made to it for purposes of updates, clarification, or new jokes as I plan to post this online. Namely, I wrote three different endings in my journal and ultimately tooled up one of them and used it here. The other endings involved homoerotic slasher-type stuff, which I just couldn’t stomach, even though I wrote most of it, as well as death by various means for varous characters. The original ending just isn’t all that funny. It’s sad and depressing and beautifully artistic...all characteristics which we have since endeavored to throw out the window. As there are several characters in the Phantom of the Opera, both male and female, I suggest having name signs or different hats/wigs to identify who the speaker is. To get the full comedic effect of how bad this whole thing is, it helps to have some working knowledge of the Phantom of the Opera’s plot. See the musical or new movie, or even read Cleolinda’s version under Movies in 15 Minutes. This was actually written about two years ago, and Cleolinda’s genius in the Mi15M only served to inspired me to dig up my journal and type up the script I have here. And add a lot more swearing and low-brow humour.

Begin: Actors 1 & 2 on stage. Keep in mind that as there are no set changes or anything (horrendously no-budget here,) any and all plot expositions and scene changes will be verbally done by the actors.

Act One

1 and 2: (Overture-Hats) Duuuuuun! DUNDUNDUNDUNDUUUUUUUN! D-d-d-d-duuuuun!
2: (Carlotta-Hat) Dammit! Hate! Spew! ITALIAN! SHRIEK! Doggie! Bleh! (*exits*)
1: (Manager-Hat-A) Tha fuck? (Manager-Hat-F) Our diva bitch-in-residence, Carlotta, has walked out of rehearsals here after throwing an impressive yet highly incomprehensible fit! Who will play the lead in tonight’s opera? (Manager-Hat-A) We are SO screwed!
2: (Mme. Giry-Hat) This girl is undiscovered, and yet somehow I know that she is an amazing untapped talent. (Christine-Hat) *hits operatic note*
1: (Manger-Hat) You’re hired! (Exposition-Hat) THAT NIGHT.
2: (Christine-Hat) *hits operatic note*
1: (Raoul-Headpiece *You may actually prefer a wig, given that Patrick Wilson’s hair is now an integral part of the character*) I remember her (*points to Christine-hat-wearer*) when she was a little girl! Oh. My. God. I think I’m in love with her.
2: (Exposition-Hat) AFTER THE SHOW (Christine-Hat) I must be left alone in my dressing room!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) I’ll just show up in her dressing room!
2: (Christine-Hat) (*ponders many things with ‘angelic’ composure while waiting for…something…to happen*)
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Knock. Knock.
2: (Christine-Hat) Who the fuck are you?
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) I’m your…childhood sweetheart!
2: (Christine-Hat) If by ‘childhood sweetheart’ you mean the long-haired brat Vicomte de Shag-me who threw rocks at me and threw my scarf into the ocean, then yes, I recognize you.
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) So what’s new, hot stuff? Your corset has done wonderful things for your otherwise pitiful rack, and thus I have deigned to shower you in my lust—erm—love.
2: (Christine-Hat) Oh. My. God. I think I’m in love with you. Experiencing…rekindlings…of a childhood romance…thought to be dead long ago.
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Actually it WAS dead. I was fully into guys back then. But now—HELLO! Corsets and plunging necklines! Boobies galore! Wanna go grab a bite to eat? Burger? Milkshake? (*winks*)
2: (Christine-Hat) I…
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Great! I’ll go get my hat! (*leaves*)
Audience: …isn’t he already wearing one?
Author: It’s optional. Like I said, it could be more beneficial to wear a wig. So they’d be wearing a hat on top of a bad wig on top of their own hair. Hm. Tricky.
1: (*re-appears*) (Phantom-Hat/Mask) Muhuhahaha! Come with me!
2: (Christine-Hat) Aight. (*leaves with Phantom*)
1: (*re-appears again*) (Raoul-Headpiece): Where the hell did she go? For although I appeared not to listen to her ramblings about some ghosty-thing-a-ma-joob, it strikes me like lightening, with all the clarity of a window-pane, that she has been spirited away by none other than the Angel of Music! And this I can surmise from muffled voices and a locked door! I am the MAN! I OWN Sherlock’s ass! Whoo-hah! (*does pelvic-thrust and exits*)
(*Both re-enter*)
2: (Christine-Hat) (*dazed*) Take me with you down into the darkness!
1: (Phantom-Hat) Well I don’t need to be asked twice! My mask of mystery will conceal my ugliness as I seduce you!
2: (Christine-Hat) I will follow you…my angel of music…
1: (Phantom-Hat) I command you to sing!
2: (Christine-Hat) (*sings*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) I command you to love me and marry me! (*gropes*)
2: (Christine-Hat) My Angel of Music is surprisingly earth-bound and seems to be occupied by things other than music at the moment…
1: (Phantom-Hat) Boobies! REAL ones! Not like those wax ones I made that just melt or go all squishy and shift to the left…(*glee*)
2: (Christine-Hat) Creepiness…overwhelming…(*faints*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) Score!
Both: (Expositions-Hats) THE NIGHT PASSES…
2: (Christine-Hat) (*waking up*) Who the HELL is *that* and what am I doing sleeping in it’s lavishly furnished S&M-style lair…and WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY SOCKS? Was I ravished? (*checks*) Ummmmm nope. Just had my stockings stolen. But STILL. Who the hell is that? (*creeps*) Gunna get it…gunna get it…gunna get it…MINE! (*grabs mask and then cowers fearfully*) Eeee!
1: (Phantom-Hat) DAMMIT WOMAN! I would have simply used you for my sadistic home videos then let you go. But now that you’ve seen my face, I can’t do that. You’d run to the feds like I was some kind of PSYCHO, and we can’t have that happen, now, can we? You’ll be my filly (*twitch*) I will have ugly children to follow me in kidnapping beautiful young girls! Our children would be like genetic Russian Roulette...what would win out…your heavenly beauty or my Satantic-spawn hell-flesh?
2: (Christine-Hat) Well, I’m just pretty, and your kinda ugly, well, that ain’t natural. I think you’d win. You face’d peel the paint off a Camaro. Not that I’m insulting you. If I’m going to be kept here I’d like to NOT sow some bad karma for myself.
1: (Phantom-Hat) No problem. I’ll just go kill your lover…I mean…buy some…cabbage.
2: (Christine-Hat) Cabbage?
1: (Phantom-Hat) I’ve heard it’s an aphrodisiac. And it IS your wedding night, and I mean, arrrr! (*does the kitty-growl and claw-the-air hand thing)
2: (Christine-Hat) Wedding night! I’ll never marry you!
1: (Phantom-Hat) Yes you will! Or if you REALLY don’t want to, I’m all for the pre-marital se—
2: (Christine-Hat) Just go buy your cabbage.
1: (Phantom-Hat) I will sweetpea! (*leaves*)
2: (Christine-Hat) (*yells after him*) Don’t forget your mask!
1: (Phantom-Hat) (*comes back in*) Oh yeah! (*puts it on*) Whoo…THAT could’ve been ugly.
2: (Christine-Hat) (*mumbles*) Not as ugly as you…
1: (Phantom-Hat) What was that, dearest?
2: (Christine-Hat) (*does the Bambi-eyes thing*) But I really, really, REALLY want to go back up! (*pouts*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) FINE! I’ll take you back to the surface! But you’ll come to me when I command it!
2: (Christine-Hat) But I…alright. (Exposition-Hat) BACK UP TOP
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) You’re back! Where have you been?
2: (Christine-Hat) Erm…I cannot say, Monsieur Vicomte de Shag-me.
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) We have a letter! You have to take Carlotta’s place.
2: (Christine-Hat) Well, shit! You KNOW the Phantom will come after me!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) You’re one crazy little soprano! Get out there kiddo, and knock ‘em dead!
2: (Christine-Hat) And if I don’t, HE will! (Exposition-Hat) FORESHADOWING!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Whatev.
2: (Carlotta-Hat) The HELL??? I leave for 3 days to get a little ‘me’ time and you REPLACE me with some chorus-girl who got it on with (*turns to Raoul*) Monsieur Shag-me?
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) No thanks.
2: (Carlotta-Hat) I cannot let that little show-stealer steal my…show!
1: (Manager-Hat-A&F) Fine you moron! Play your damn lead!
2: (Carlotta-Hat) I will! (*sings*) LalalalasomethinginItalianlalala (*Makes funny noise*) GACK! Supernatural…power…forcing…me…to…*funny noise*
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Christine! We need your help!
2: (Christine-Hat) He’ll kill me!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) You’re nuts!
2: (Christine-Hat) (*looks helpless and lost*)
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) I love you!
2: (Christine-Hat) Me too! That is to say, I love you too, not I love ME too! Well I do love me, but I still love—
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Shut up and let me grope you! (*gropes and slobbers on her face*)
2: (Christine-Hat) Let’s get married!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Right on! BOOBIES AHOY!
2: (Christine-Hat) But I still maintain that I’m in grave danger! Take me far far away!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Okay, just do this one performance. I’m sure it, like all the other operas you perform in within this show, won’t end up deciding both of our ultimate fates at the hands of your crazed genius stalker-friend.
2: (Christine-Hat) Oh Monsieur le Vicomte de Shag-Me!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) With pleasure! (*more groping and slobbering*)
2: (Christine-Hat) Wait! I’m due on stage!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Okay! (*both leave*) (*1 comes back on*) (Phantom-Hat) Damn you! I will have my revenge!
2: (Exposition-Hat) FAST FORWARD TO THE BOWS! (Christine-Hat) (*bows*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) CURSE YOU! Hahahahaha! (*evil laugh*) (*wads up a sheet of paper into a ball and chucks it onstage at Christine’s feet.*) (*Awkward moment of confused silence*)

ACT ONE—FIN

Act Two

1: (Exposition Hat) SIX MONTHS LATER! AT A NEW YEAR’S PARTY. (Manager-Hat-A) What a party! (Manager-Hat-F) (*inhales deeply*) Yeah, this is some shindig. (Raoul-Headpiece) Hey, now that we’re engaged, let’s get up and dance!
2: (Christine-Hat) Woohoo! (*takes a swig from a bottle*)
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) (*grooves*) (Phantom-Hat) I’m HERE! …AGAIN!
2: (Christine-Hat) (*gasps*)
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) But you’ve been gone for months!
2: (Christine-Hat) (*gasps again*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) I have been writing my opera! Here you go! (*wings it at Manager’s head*)
Audience: Wouldn’t that be…his own head? Given that there are only two actors, and…
Author: SHUT UP!
1: (Phantom-Hat still) Christine must play the lead, however.
2: (Christine-Hat) (*gasps again*) Fuck. Great for my career, bad for my personal well-being.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Oh, and FYI, fuckers, she still belongs to me! (*snaps fingers*) Engagement ring, now!
2: (Christine-Hat) But…it’s real…(*gasps again*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) All the more to pawn, sweetling. Give it here, bitch.
2: (Christine-Hat) Well, okay…(*hands over the bling*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) (*disappears*) (*re-appears*) (Raoul-Headpiece) Why’d you give him the ring?
2: (Christine-Hat) He made a good point, He still has a claim over me, ever since I unmasked him…
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) That ‘unmasking’ better not be some slutty metaphor. I ain’t marrying no whore.
2: (Christine-Hat) No, I really just took his mask off. His face. Took the mask off his face.
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Just the mask?
2: (Christine-Hat) Just the mask.
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Ooookayyyy…(*still gives her a leery and suspicious look*) (Exposition-Hat) REHERSALS! (Conductor-Hat) He can’t sing it right…damn Italian that he is! Stupid Sicilian! I hope he DIES! (Exposition-Hat) FORESHADOWING! (Idiot-Italian-Hat) I yam now reech! I juiced arrive een Paris and ze Opera company geeve me a job juiced becoz I yam Italian. I can’t seeng right! But I weel learn! I never make the same mistake twice! Lalala—(*stops*) I never make the same mistake three times! Lalala—(*stops*) I never…weel, I HAVE to learn eet eventually! (*grins and humps Carlotta’s leg*) (Midget-Hat) (*humps Carlotta’s other leg*)
2: (Exposition-Hat) IN A GRAVEYARD (Christine-Hat) So…Swedish Dad o’ Mine…you’re dead, I miss you, ummm what am I forgetting? Oh, did I tell you that I’m kinda engaged to Raoul, Vicomte de Shag-me, except I totally got owned by this freak who—
1: (Phantom-Hat) (*aside*) *cough*fuckyoubitch*cough* (*To Christine*) ...Come to me, you poor orphaned girl! Your dead father sent me to you!
2: (Christine-Hat) But he’s…dead?
1: (Phantom-Hat) Look closer…but not too close—I don’t want you to recognize me as the freaky-faced creep.
2: (Christine-Hat) Daddy?
1: (Phantom-Hat) Sure, if that’s how you get your jollies. Then we’ll try some good old-fashioned incest.
2: (Christine-Hat) I’m sorry I ever doubted you.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Piffle! Think nothing of it! Now, come away with me, never to return!
2: (Christine-Hat) I’m wavering in a very vulnerable state between decisions here.
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Oh no! He’s luring her back! (Phantom-Hat) Come to me! (Raoul-Headpiece) Let her go, you bastard! (Phantom-Hat) Come on! Come to me! Decide for ME! (Raoul-Headpiece) He’s NOT your father, you loopy actress! No more crack for you!
2: (Christine-Hat) Oh! I choose (*eeny-meeny-miney-mo’s it*) You! Raoul de Shag-me!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) FUCK YEAH! In your FACE, Mask-Man! (Phantom-Hat) Oh. Oh nuts. Well. Screw you both! (*disappears*) (*re-appears*) (Exposition-Hat) THE PERFORMANCE OF THE PHANTOM’S OPERA (Phantom-Hat) (*In Character as Don Juan*) I’ll hide behind the curtain, with a mask on, and seduce my unsuspecting prey-love!
2: (Christine-Hat) (*In Character as Aminta*) Hmmmmm, no one is here! (*eats an apple*)
1: (Phantom-Hat IC) (*skulks out onto the stage from behind the curtain*) HEY!
2: (Christine-Hat IC) (*gasps and drops the apple*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) (*supposedly in character but eerily NOT*) You have subconsciously come here to ‘become one with me’! Which is a nice way of saying...let's get it on! (*grooves a la Marvin Gaye*)
2: (Christine-Hat) (*same as Phantom, character-wise*) True. That IS why I came here. Because I am a slutty ho. If you ask me to explain it though, well, what an awkward situation THAT would be. I mean, I’m just sitting in your room eating apples. If I were you, I’d kick me out, or scream, or wonder if this was some weird fetish or something.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Well, I’m just horny.
2: (Christine-Hat) Well okay.
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Is there something going on onstage that is glaringly obvious to everyone but me? (Phantom-Hat) Stay with me forever.
2: (Christine-Hat) (*whispers*) I know you’re the Phantom.
1: (Phantom-Hat) I know that you know that I know I’m the Phantom.
2: (Christine-Hat) I don’t follow.
1: (Phantom-Hat) I am the Phantom!
2: (Christine-Hat) Oh. Right.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Take this ring and come with me!
2: (Christine-Hat) Yessssss! (*takes it*)
Alien: (*enters*) I’m an alien! (*exits*)
Author: I know this alien thing is pointless. It was written late at night and somehow has become an integral part of the show.
1: (Phantom-Hat) (*wraps his cloak around himself and coughs. Then takes Christine, wraps the cloak around them both, and throws both of them to the floor.*) Damnit, where is the fucking trapdoor? Johnny? Where the fuck is that fucktard Johnny?
Johnny: This is a low-budget production!
1: (Phantom-Hat) How low budget?
Johnny: 3 dollars. And 2.25 of that is paying for the hats, headpieces and Post-it notes for the set and the cast party.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Do we get paid?
Johnny: Um…only the alien.
Alien: (*offstage*) ROCK ON!
Johnny: And we have no trapdoor.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Oh. Oh right. (*slinks off side*) (*re-appears*) (Raoul-Headpiece) We have to find them! (Exposition-Hat) IN THE PHANTOM’S LAIR (Phantom-Hat) Damn you are such a bitch!
2: (Christine-Hat) Are you going to eat me?
1: (Phantom-Hat) Maybe. (*pause*) Maybe not.
2: (Christine-Hat) Are you happy?
1: (Phantom-Hat) (*smiles, claps, and capers gleefully*) VERY much so!
2: (Christine-Hat) Happy that you have killed so many?
1: (Phantom-Hat) Sure.
2: (Christine-Hat) How many?
1: (Phantom-Hat) None, actually.
2: (Christine-Hat) Oh. So you wouldn’t even kill for me?
1: (Phantom-Hat) No. Killing is wrong.
2: (Christine-Hat) That’s a bit rich coming from YOU.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Maybe so.
2: (Christine-Hat) Why won’t you kill anyone to get me?
1: (Phantom-Hat) BECAUSE YOUR LOVER HASN’T SHOWN UP YET!
2: (Christine-Hat) O_o …well I kinda walked into that one...
Anyway, you’ll never win my heart! I love the Vicomte de …(*impressively*) Shag-me!
1: (Phantom-Hat) Well sure. (*gropes and slobbers on her*)
2: (Christine-Hat) No! Fuckkity-fuck-shit! Get OFF me!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Unhand her, you cad! …wow…somehow that doesn’t sound nearly as hot and heroic as it does in books and movies. (Phantom-Hat) Such is the magic of the theatre in rendering things flat and dull. (Raoul-Headpiece) Fine then. Get yo’ hands offa my bitch, mothafucka!
2: (Christine-Hat) I hate you both.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Make your choice!
2: (Christine-Hat) How ‘bout a compromise?
1: (Phantom-Hat) How ‘bout a threesome?
2: (Christine-Hat) (*shrugs*) I’m cool with that.
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) Erm...
2: (Christine-Hat) Right on. I’ll go poison your wine, Phantom…I mean…get some cabbage.
1: (Phantom-Hat) WOOHOO!
2: (Christine-Hat) (*leaves*)
1: (Phantom-Hat) So..yeah…I’m getting some choice bootay tonight. (Raoul-Headpiece) It ain’t gonna be mine! (Phantom-Hat) Oh no! By ‘threesome’ I meant ‘I get the girl and you die’. (Raoul-Headpiece) Fuck.
2: (Christine-Hat) (*enters with wine*) Here you go!
1: (Phantom-Hat) Where’s the wine?
2: (Christine-Hat) Um…it’s cabbage wine.
1: (Phantom-Hat) Nice. (*quaffs, then kinda falls over) (Raoul-Headpiece) Christine, I…I can’t…
2: (Christine-Hat) Shhhh I’m poisoning him!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) (*grabs her by the neck*) WE SHARE A FUCKING BODY! Wot the bleedin’ ‘ell…
2: (Christine-Hat) When did you become British? This is the freakin- PARIS Opera, dumbass!
1: (Phantom-Hat) I’m dying!
2: (Christine-Hat) GOOD!
1: (Raoul-Headpiece) No, I’M dying!
2: (Christine-Hat) Shit! Fuck! Shit!
1: (Phantom-Hat/Raoul-Heapiece) (*dies*)
2: (Christine-Hat) (*after a pause*) …well…That’s ONE way of ending things tidily. Hey Johnny? What are you doing after the cast party?
Johnny: No plans.
2: (Christine-Hat) Wanna go grab some coffee?
Johnny: Uh…sure… (*They exit*)
1: (Phantom-Hat/Raoul-Headpiece) (*twitches*)


ACT TWO—FIN

Author’s Note: Ending is changed, so it’s more of a parody now than an actual two person version of tPotO. Actually, considering there’s really 4 characters I can’t even say it’s a to person version of it. Let’s just say it started out as a two person version of the PotO and evolved into…this. In the real show/movie, the Phantom is vanquished (but not killed) and Raoul and Christine run off together.

That's all for theatrical script efforts for now. Next: BOOBIES : The Musical!