We Be Hataz, Yo!

Over a period of weeks, I have constructed this flow-chart of the Jackie/Em thought-process in a sort of stream-of-conciousness list. Only less abstract--just barely less abstract.)
Jackie: I'm bored. And afraid of the flames!
Em: Afraid of the flames? I'm afraid of staple guns. And pretty much any small objects flying at my face.
Jackie: No. Afraid of the flames I'll burst into the second I walk into a church. I haven't been in a year. The Big Guy frowns on that, doesn't he?
Em: (In all her Anglican/Episcopalian wisdom) Ahhh I've never seen that happen before. The flames that is. And I've met with a lot of C&E's in my life
Jackie: c&e?
Em: christmas and easter 's. Organized religion's answer to those who come but twice a year to save their morally bereft souls
Jackie: we called them: "Twice a Years"
Em: Yeah. But you know the people I mean
Jackie: mmmmhm
Em: usually they're just annoying
Jackie: The reason Christmas sermons aren't enjoyable
Em: Yeah. It'd be so much nicer if they just didn't bother J
ackie: the kids of the devout Christians
Em: There’d be room left for the old people who come regularly
Jackie: mmmhm
Em: Unlike the young families with 6 brats who don't know how to behave in public, much less church, who arrive an hour too early and save seats for their entire extended family by draping their coats and diaper bags over every pew in the first 5 rows, as well as all the choir seats. The old people are relegated to fold-out seats in the middle of the centre aisle at the back of the church.

Jackie: Yup. I hate those people Em: And the kids are dressed "for church" but they look positively ill, with the girls inevitably wearing some kind of festive headband or scrunchie from the 80's, the boys in mini suits, and the girls in some ugly ass crushed velvet dress and white tights and black shoes with gaudy leather bows
Jackie: Christmas-Hate: When EVERYONE thinks they can release a Christmas CD. No, you can't.
Em: *shudders* now I can't get the idea of Mariah Carey out of my head with the Christmas CD crap. Is she dead yet?
Jackie: Ummm nope.
Em: damn. Hope for a Christmas miracle of some sort, then.
Jackie: we need death pools this year
Em: Indeed we do. But now that Hope is gone there seems little point in trying to match one with the Pope
Jackie: oh no, hope still here
Em: Bob burns eternal?
Em: Damn I'm cold. Hey there's another thing I hate about Christmas: We never get a white one, and yet, we freeze our asses off.
Jackie: Bribing children to support the homeless. What the hell kind of values are these? "Bring in food to help starving kids, and you'll get a pizza party!" Screw you pizza party and your capitalist ways!
Em: and it's not "GREEN" where the hell is it ever GREEN in December? After the scorching heat of August, everything turns brown! It's a BROWN Christmas. Oh geez, the can drives. Hate for the can drives.
Jackie: And our school’s sad turnout.
Em: *snickers* yeah. We suck.
Jackie: One class in {rival school} had 600 cans. BY ITSELF.
Em:…Holy Shit {Rival School}!!!
Jackie: Yeah. ONE CLASS
Em: We need to give them condoms or something. They've obviously run out of ways to amuse themselves.
Jackie: hee hee
Em: Wait...did I just imply that our school is slutty and could care less about academic pursuits? ...and supporting the homeless in the Christmas season??? *balks* I'm a bad Anglican.
Jackie: Nah. Just a realist
Em: Tithing just got shot to hell. A realist? Damnit, my career as a fiction writer is over, then. Curse you, Christmas! You ruined my shot at the big-time with your inexorable taunting and provocation of my cynicism! Cuuuuuurse Yoouuuuuuuu!
Jackie: hee hee. You know what else I hate?
Em: What?
Jackie: the evil personification of fruit cake.I LIKE fruit cake, when made well. Some people have never even had it but "know" it's evil. My mom makes a killer fruitcake
Em: GAH! *twitch* I just hate candied fruit period. Hot cross buns, I just can't eat. Candied orange peel is the closest I think I ever got to liking dried, sugary hard tarry bits of fruit that have unnatural colours and consistencies and stick to your teeth for hours. Baby Jesus is cool, though. I'll bet HE hated candied fruit too. Your mom is nice.
Jackie: how do you know my mom?
Em: I met her at the Christmas fair, remember? And the rest of the brood…

Em: (days later, we somehow get on the topic of hairstyles) What if you got a bob hair cut?
Jackie:I hate bobs.
Em: Yeah no one really looks good in a bob. That’s why I hate pictures of people from the 1920’s. And a large portion of the Chinese population. *pause* Not that I hate the Chinese people. Just their choice of the same hairstyle for everyone. It never works on anyone. No one looks good with a bob. I love veggie eggrolls and plum sauce. China – I love you!
Jackie: Smile’s back.
Em: Are you smiling at my accidental offending of the Chinese people due to my lack of political correctness and lapse in sentence structure that turned out sounding like a really bad racial comment?
Jackie: Yup.
Em: I really don’t hate anyone…*open mouth, insert foot* Wow this is really far off the topic of Christmas and what we hate about it. More of a plain list of Things We Hate.
Jackie: I have no problem with that.