The Penis Soliloquy—Em’s Answer to the Vagina Monologues

Okay teenage boys, you insolent little shits, hear me out.

Penis. There. I’ve said it. Penis penis penis penis penis. A funny little word for a funny little thing. (Yes, it CAN be massive, compared to, say, a toothpick or even a cocktail wiener—no pun intended—on a cold day. Now shut up and listen.) See, this rant started in my mind after an odd conversation over lunch involving older people, namely grandparents, having sex. Needless to say, any and all lunching ended shortly thereafter. But what’s the hang-up? Grandparental, (and even parental) lovin’ is a lot more common than we prefer to think. The next time Gran’ma’s takin’ out her teeth and Gran’pa’s poppin’ his ‘heart pills’ (read: you know they’re Viagra) like they was Pez…while you’re just trying not to listen to the bedspring squeaking as they take their afternoon ‘nap.’

Now on to the main body of my rant.

Boys: If you’re going to crack jokes about Viagra, be prepared to handle the real issues that pop up. (Har.) Viagra is there for a reason: to treat erectile dysfunctions, which tend to plague the elderly generation. Face it, there IS sex after 40, and copious amounts of it too, given the amount of middle-aged mothers giving birth we’re seeing in the news. (*cough*Madona*cough*)I remember a story in a magazine from someone’s grandmother named Cornelia, who was over 80, and yet she admitted she had a very active sex life. Now if you care to discuss the reality of this, go ahead and comment. If the idea makes you ill, please reconsider the next time you think to yourself "Dude, I could totally make an awesome jokes involving dicks and Viagra right now! Because DICKS are so funny, and they are even FUNNIER when they DON’T WORK! Guh-huh-huh-huh-yuk-yuk-yuk!"

Proceed with caution.

Because if you breathe a word of what you’re thinking, I will be on you faster than anyone can say "Aww, it made a funny!" I will hunt you down, take a big, spike-laden mace to your nutsack, and laugh myself silly when YOUR penis fails to work. For anything. Learn to love the colostomy bag, dipstick.

A note to boys:
When girls say they want a ‘tender’ man, they mean emotionally. They want you sensitive so they can break your spirit, crush your soul, flay your sensibilities raw, and re-mold you into their willing love-slave. Physically, they want you tough as steel and twice as hard. If we wanted something that went *squish* when we hugged them, we would grab ourselves a teddy bear or a tub of Rocky Road.

We, however, as women, owe it to ourselves to keep a layer of insulating padding around ourselves at all times, in order to protect ourselves from mishap (it don’t break if it can bounce) as well as sheltering any and all fetuses, if we choose to have them. I know I may be what’s called "unreasonable" or "unfair" but since when has life ever been fair? If you enjoy being tubby, laughing at dick jokes, and being lonely, by all means, continue in that same vein as long as it pleases you. If not, please, put It away, don’t let gluttony take away from precious Me Time (and by ‘Me’ I mean ME, not YOU,) and we’ll only ever want your lower extremities to come up in the conversation if there’s any problems we need to know about in order to make sure we stay satisfied. (Bleeding sores and other creepy growths must be reported IMMEDIATELY to Management (the woman) so that she may take you to the doctor, whose diagnosis will confirm her initial suspicions (which are always right anyhow,) and she may then dump you off at a male brothel, you sick cheating bastard. And no spreading strawberry jam on your breadstick to freak your woman out either, even as a joke. That WILL get you dumped, no matter how clean you may be.)

Viagra jokes and lazy, fat-arse boys…good things in today’s ‘accepting of all body-shapes and crude jokes’ society----------------------->GUNNED DOWN!