Gotta Be KD...

. . . "Ketchup-Dependant," that is.
Now in my younger years, during various stages of Exploratory Taste-Bud Development, I'll admit to adding ketchup to any number of foods, sometimes in copious amounts. Almost any kind of pasta; meatloaf; you name it: it had ketchup on it, or could, conceiveably. My sister even went so far as to add ketchup to her chocolate ice cream in the fourth grade. We've all had our moments, is what I'm saying. But this is beyond anything I have ever heard of, and that included my cousin who would only eat Kraft Dinner with half a bottle of Heinz poured over it.
So today at my workplace, which is a cafeteria-style restaurant type of thing, we kind almost ran out of ketchup. This is a huge deal, apparently, because you have absolutely NO idea how many burgers/hot dogs/french fries/onion rings we sell in a day, not to mention about a dozen other grill items that come with your choice of fries or onion rings.
And that's not even including breakfast items, which come with hashbrowns.
I have seen my fair share of people who believe the sole purpose of the fries is to transport the maximum amount of ketchup into their mouths. (This is a paraphrase of the guy from negativepostitive.org, I still can't find his name anywhere on his site. Anyhow, credit goes to him for that thought.) When I was about 6 years old, I was one of those people. But I grew out of it, see.
Now I have it on good authority that a few weeks ago, a shipment of ketchup was a little bit late, and one morning, we had to go without. We had people purchase whole breakfasts (which consist of two eggs done any way you want them, your choice of brown or white toast with jams/jellies/peanut butter/marmelade/honey, your choice of bacon, ham, or sausage, and hashbrowns,) and when they discovered we were out of ketchup, proceeded to try and get their money back or return their breakfasts to the kitchen, insisting that the food was of no use to them. Like the cooks are really hoping the food will be returned to them uneaten because they have SO many uses for it...
Honest to God. These people get a hot, tasty, varied, and by no means lacking in nutrition, albeit fatty, and yet they cannot consume a single bite without the aid of a chemical-laden-red-dye-number-47 bastardization of an ancient First Nations spiced fish sauce called ke-tsiap (or something similar...can't quite recall the spelling of it.)
Please, the ketchup normally comes in small packages or squeezy bottles, and people are free to add as much as they like to their meals. It is our free gift to you. So in the future, if the ketchup makes all the difference, why not just grab a bowl and spoon and eat your ketchup that way? It's free, so you're saving, like, a bajillion dollars by not ordering food you don't actually need to enjoy the ketchup in all its undefiled glory. And later, if you want some scrambled eggs/fries/hashbrowns/hamburgers with your ketchup, order those too. But don't insult our intelligence and lower our opinions of you by ordering a full meal, then refusing to eat something that has been prepared just for you, as you asked, simply because it has no ketchup with it. This just screams "trailer trash." (Not that I am knocking living in a trailer. There are some very swanky trailer parks, like the ones where retired people live. You know the ones I mean, the "let's dress up and go out to K-Mart for our shot-gun wedding anniversary" kind of trailer trash.) If it's so important to you, why not carry about your own travel-bottle of ketchup? Then, one of two things will happen: A) You will never have to worry about asking for your money back on a ketchup-less meal again, or B) You will realize the sadness of your state and the extent of your mania and seek professional help.
"I can't eat this. I want my money back."
I only want to hear these words if your hamburger has raised its head and mooed at you.

Those unhappy folks whose blood has been replaced almost entirely by Heinz products ------->GUNNED DOWN!