Pretend Like Nothing Happened

The Death-Wish Diet: Day One

Projected Food Intake:
Specially-made Diet Soup
Fruit
Sugarless juices, skim milk, and water

Actual Food Intake:
1 large bowl of Diet Soup (eaten somewhere between breakfast and lunch.)
An apple, an orange, 1/4 of a canteloupe, 1/8 of a watermelon
2 huge glasses of cranberry juice, 1 huge glass of skim milk, and water, water everywhere... (there was a can of ginger ale I tried to smuggle upstairs, but that got intercepted by Mrs. Em's Mom.)

Around 4 pm my mother began planning dinner. Not just dinner. Nothing gross like seafood anything or crap a la cardboard. She began to concoct the most mouthwateringly glorious burritos on the face of the earth. I have had these burritos before, and they are one of my favourite dishes in the history of EVER.

Now, here at GDATIG, we have a fondness for burritos. At least I do. I'm not too sure how Jackie's feelings tend when it comes to the sweet, succulent tortilla package of Mexican meat, given her recent foray into the Heartland of the Burrito itself, and the myriad references to Peter Jackson's 'burrito,' which have arisen in the past.
Me, however, I love burritos.
I am on the Nazi-Diet-From-Hell, and my benevolent mother sets about making the best burritos I have ever tasted. Burritos from a shack at the side of the road would have been temptation enough, even if I were stuffed to the brim and on my way home from a burrito-eating contest. But burritos, from a glorious recipe, decades old, handed down to my mother from a nice old lady at my church...(a nice old lady who is unofficially the Past Mistress in the Art of Cookery,) what mortal could resist?
For these, friends, are the burritos of the gods.

For when Odin sits in Valhalla, for what does he need mugs of foaming mead? To wash down that burrito!
When Zeus, Hades, and Posiedon have their poker nights on Mount Olympus, what does Zeus beg and plead with Hera to make for him and the boys? Burritos!
When that Vishnu is busy multi-tasking, and he gets a rumbly in his tumbly, he needs a meal that can fit easily into 1 of his 4 palms. Where does he turn? Burritos!
How did Buddha get to be so cuddly and corpulent? Burritos!
When people go to God for spiritual fullfillment, so sayeth the Lord:
"The answer? I am the Lord your God...and burritos!"
When Jesus and his disciples had the Last Supper, did they break bread together? No, they had burritos!

I think I've made my point. Until now, I've never understood why people made such a big deal about how diets are so hard. Until now, I've been like: "Yeah whatever, quit your whining, bitches." Until I was still hungry after eating all the fruit and soup I could hold and my mother began to make burritos.
I had a long talk with my mother, who told me that she did this diet for seven days, lost 6 of the predicted '10-17' pounds then gained back five. Given this, I did what I felt I had to do. What I felt I owed to myself.
I owed myself that burrito. I ate that burrito. It was the best burrito I've ever tasted, touched, held, gazed at, in my life.
I make no attempt to hide what I did. I have justified my eating that burrito. I will eat fruit, veggies, soup, whatever the diet specifies, for lunch and breakfast. At dinner, I am allowed a responsible portion of whatever my mom has made. In this case, one burrito. And a half. (Note that these burritos were not made to be eaten one at a time. In a perfect world, I could have eaten upwards of three on a good day.) Did I abuse the power of the diet? Probably. Did I bribe my mother to let me have half another burrito and two Tostitos? Hell yes I did. You can't have burritos without a nacho chip or two to keep it company. Was any of this fair? To me? To the dieting principles? Of course not.
A Covert Burrito-Eating. Lies, Deceit, and Stuffing Oneself with a Burrito. Burrito-gate.
Call it what you will. All I know is that I had a burrito. I'm not proud of it, and I know I have failed, as all humans must, for what are we but the flawed, tattered remnants of our former selves? Man has fallen, and humanity sunk to an all-time low. All that can raise us to a higher state of being is God. God and the Burrito. I may have sold my soul to own that burrito for one glorious, shining moment, but when the dust has settled, you have to ask yourself, did I make the right choice? Was it worth this agonizing guilt, this everlasting shame in the eyes of my fellowmen, simply to feel the sweet, spicy, beefy juices mingling with my saliva and running over my tongue and down my throat, to fill my stomach as it hadn't been filled all day? Have I sacrificed my morals, my ideals, simply for the fading illusion of something better than this bereft, woebegone state of despair? I have sold out to The Man for a burrito.
And DAMN if it wasn't delicious.

My report will continue on Day Two of the Death-Wish Diet in what could very well become a week-long reporting special.
This is Agent Em, signing off to continue re-con in the Death-Wish Diet Combat Zone. The area is littered with ice cream and munchies. It's a mine-field out there, girls. You'll have to watch your six. We ain't in South Beach anymore, ladies. Anyone who doesn't think they can take the heat can go home right now and spend the night with a pint of Rocky Road and a Meg Ryan movie marathon.

P.S.
It doesn't help that tomorrow is National Chip and Dip Day, followed by National Chocolate Covered Raisin Day, then, the 25th is both Pecan Day AND Waffle Day. The 28th is Something on a Stick Day, and I'm guessing it's going to be either cool, creamy, and sinfully rich; or hot, salty, deep fried and smothered in condiments and a sweet honey/beer batter. It's going to take all the horror they can muster on the 31st, 'Clam on the Half Shell Day,' to turn me off of my lust for the forbidden.

P.P.S.
We speak of this to NO ONE.