All The Money in the World and They Can't Afford Decent Hats!

Oh Camilla. Honey. I know that you and Charlie are gloriously happy and on your way to Scotland, but...you couldn't have gone to the alter wearing a better headpiece? I dare not call it a hat. It was like a headband...made of spiked feathers. I can tell you didn't like it. The wind itself was even trying to rip it off your head as you exited the church. Your fingers were just itching to tear the bloody thing off. I could care less if it was made of silk and Swarovski crystals or diamonds or whatever. It looked like a very fememine, yet still very scary pitchfork had been pinned to your halo of hair. It looked like crap, and you knew it! Expensive designer crap, but still crap. I could see you clutching at it as the wind buffetted around you both, throwing hubby's comb-over straight up into the air while you tried not to dig manicured nails into your skull out of frustration. I was reading your lips, and thisi s what I got:
"Fuck. Fuckitty fuck-shit. Bugger. Bugger. Bloody bugger....bugger it...bugg--SOD OFF!" as Prinny tried to help you out with your hair. Married life's a bitch, isn't she?
I know that you could hardly help it. I'd been hoping that the British Royal Family's women's tendancy to wear the most ridiculous headgear wasn't communicable by marriage, but apparently I was to be disappointed. Eugenie, the Queen, Fergie...even the spectators and world leaders, no one was spared. If you have a vagina and a modicum of social status, you are thereby forced to wear the most hideous hats in all of Christendom upon your fashionable little heads. The rest of the world usually leaves the run-way model art nouveau shit ON THE RUN-WAY. But not you. You and your dear now-mother-in-law love to lead the pack into the haberdashery, milliner's or even a craft supply shop, carrying nothing but a squirming toddler and a glue gun. Half an hour later, you emerge wearing the sweetest little creation imaginable upon your blue-blooded tete. Even Fergi's daughters, who ought to be running about playing field hockey or studying for exams at this age...they are relegated to the ranks of Hideous Hat-ness, for all purposes looking as if they mugged the Cat in the Hat on the way to the wedding, dyed his jaunty little chapeau--the hobo-esquely battered Abe Lincoln striped stove pipe hat--black and cream, while adding a giant velvet bow and perhaps some spiked feathers to give it that zingy touch of femeninity.
Eugenie...sweetheart...it's really not as bad as it looks...well, actually, it is. But there's nothing you can do about it. Once you hit your teens, you know that you must forever eschew the hairbows and braids for the Realms of the Royal Hats. It's like some sick kind of fashion-world bat mitzvah--on crack.
I put it to you all--who among you has ever seen any female member of the Royal Family in a hat that you could honestly wear while attending a conservative wedding Down South, or to a posh business meeting? While walking down the streets of NYC? (I know in NYC anything goes, but we're talking a hat that you could wear as part of a rich-looking ensemble, that people could see you in and not respect you any less or assume you are on drugs or part of a parade.) In my entire life, I have never seen ANYONE wearing a nice hat in that sector. Even Diana--bless her heart--never wore any hats that struck me with their normalcy and good taste. Only her poise, good humour, and killer face and body carried off those hats with a smidgen of grace beyond the utter humiliation that would have consumed a lesser noble. I can't be angry at the Queen or the late Queen Mum, because as they are getting up there in years, their hats have been less ambitious and subtly tasteful. But I have yet to see a simple hat on either of them, (one that doesn't include feathers or mounds of draped tulle or cheesecloth.) I respect and adore the Queen as the Queen ought to be respected and loved, so I never say anything out loud about her hats, though I can't help thinking things. Who could?
The Bottom Line: Whoever is the Royal-Hat-Picker-Outer needs to be sacked. Now.

Anyhow, best of luck to Charles and Camilla, I hope you'll be very happy! :)